u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
