You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize