Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
