chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
