just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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