Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
