My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sext me about skeletons
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize