So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
