Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
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I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
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