She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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