Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
When are your genitals available?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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