If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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