his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Church boner. Awkwardddd
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
