I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
