Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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