A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
