dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I understand Curling. That high.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
