He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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