my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
