My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I have fence marks all over my body
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
