Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
