Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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