when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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