I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
