Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
