just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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