So drunk its hurt
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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