woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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