i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
