I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
