The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
