don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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