she woke up with a sticky ear
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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