I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
