come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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