Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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