My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
