I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
