I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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