I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
