It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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