so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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