we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
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My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
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So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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