Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
