We need to rekindle our bromance
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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