Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
