He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
