I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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