This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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