If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you win again, gameday.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
