I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
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