I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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