a queef is a wish your heart makes.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Randomize
