Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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